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You Won’t Believe These LEAKED KotOR3 Lines!

By Rutskarn
on Saturday Apr 1, 2017
Filed under:
Video Games


What’s up, internet, this is Kiev Sampson blogging to you via Twenty Sided’s alliance with CheezGamer: your video source for hot news, hot takes, and our Scrolly-award nominated stream She Wore What?!?, where editors and gaming celebrities react live to photos of cosplayer’s boobs. We got some red-hot scoops for you today, so like the man Three-Dog says, check it out.

Who doesn’t love RPGs? For years the genre was one big compromise between character building and actually having fun–but thanks to groundbreaking games like Fallout 3 and Fable that had the high-octane action to back up their awesome writing, we all walk away happy. It’s thanks to pioneers like them that people gave a little game called The Witcher 3 the chance to rock our socks off. Rejoice, gentlemen: RPGs aren’t just for nerds anymore.

We admit it. We still get chills.
We admit it. We still get chills.

Of course, the undisputed king of the RPG is superstar developer Bioware. Best known for Mass Effect 3 and Mass Effect: Andromeda, you might have also played their 2011 foray into the MMO market, Star Wars: The Old Republic. What you may not have known was that it was based on one of their earlier projects, a little-known and never-completed trilogy called–wait for it–Knights of the Old Republic. Could be some of you out there are still holding out for another one. Well hang no longer, my friends, because Bioware has finally answered your prayers: according to our exclusive leaked report, they’re officially rebooting the franchise.

Here’s what our sources tell us about the new title Star Wars: Knights.

  • Explore the galaxy alone in a jaw-dropping single player campaign–or explore one hangar or battlefield of the galaxy with your friends in epic multiplayer.
  • Streamlined character system lets you choose a new perk or force power every level. All the stats are tallied behind the scenes, so focus on the big picture–no number-crunching required.
  • Crunch the numbers on thousands of unique weapons and armor sets.
  • Character will be voiced by Nolan North or Courtenay Taylor.
  • Villains will be building planet-stomping superweapon, “more powerful than anything you’ve seen before in the books, comics, or movies.” Yowch!
  • Too early to determine what main story will be.
  • “Force Adept” Collector’s edition will retail for $69.99 without game but with die-cast player ship, Republic Commemorative Coin, sith crystal keychain, and lightsaber pen. “Jedi Master” Collector’s edition will retail for $89.99 with game, ship, coin, without keychain, with Darth Kaymart’s Revenge DLC and a different color of lightsaber pen (TBD). “Jedi Consular” edition will retail for $199.99 (while it lasts!) and will contain no game or extras, but $199.99 worth of hard coals.

But don’t put down those ice-cream cones yet, because that’s not where this scoop ends. Check out these top eight leaked lines and our thoughts on what they’ll mean for the final game. Spoiler alert: it’s gonna be awesome.

1.) “Chee ku hidow hidonga…wanakonpe, chipanah mooleyrah.”

You gotta like the sense of mystery. In the real world, it would be hard for aliens in the far future to understand each other. Bioware really nails the difficulties of communicating with an alien race in this enigmatic line.

2.) “I know I’m babbling, I’m sorry. But I’ve just never felt this way about anyone before. I can’t put my finger on it, it’s just…you do all these errands for me. What else could you call that?”

Almost as much as their fast and furious combat, Bioware’s known for their steamy romances. We can’t wait for another helping of the best relationships in gaming. Achievement Unlocked: Sex Wars!

3.) “K’ponah! Bonah no keechu!”

Now this is just a tease. Could we get the line after this one, guys? Just so we know whether to get hyped or super hyped.

4.) “No! Please, don’t throw that bag of ranchguar feed to the sarlaac! That’s all we have to feed our ranchguars for the season!”

Glad to see ol’ Bioware’s still holding us accountable for our actions. Who but Bioware can you turn to for games that don’t just make you react–they make you think.

5.) “Interested in doing a little smuggling? Take a look at what I’ve got.”

Can you say sidequest? In these days of shorter and shorter games, it’s good to see Bioware’s still bringing it with titles you can lose dozens of hours into.

6.) “Runga dee hutunga!”

We admit: if anything cools our jets, it’s this line here. We all remember what a chore probing was in Mass Effect 2, and finding out that the minerals market plays a big role in this game is just a little concerning. Here’s hoping they’ve learned their lesson.

7.) “I’ve always wanted to explore the galaxy. Growing up on a little farming planet nobody’s heard of, I just wanted to do something exciting, you know? Something important. So when the Jedi Council asked me to be a Forceamancer, I signed right up.”

As always, nobody does backstories like Bioware. Props to their writers for getting across everything you need to know about this crew member’s motivations and backstory in a few lines of exposition. And on that note:

8.) “K’ponah! Bonah no keechu!”

Nuff said.

Catch us this afternoon for Indie Corner with Spunkey, where he’ll be tipping the deets on the upcoming Obisidian game Strivings of the Essence, which will feature fifteen playable classes, four hundred thousand lines of written dialogue, and a really disappointing endgame. See you then!

Kiev Sampson’s been gaming since the Gamecube and a member of CheezGamer since 2013. He lives in Portland with his girlfriend, six cats, and crippling imposter syndrome.

Comments (70)

  1. Cuthalion says:

    I do not know the immediate context, which makes this even better.

    Edit: Oh, right. It’s April 1st. That explains the hilarious, non sequitur parody post!

  2. Needs more rows of clickbait articles hovering at the bottom, but otherwise, uncomfortably accurate.

  3. Syal says:

    That quote list contains a distinct lack of “Sssilda, kerbubblebubble”. Bioware’s completely lost the heart of what made the original so fun. And they’ve just cost themselves a sale.

    …of the Jedi Master Collector’s Edition. Obviously I’m getting the Force Adept pack, I’m not going to completely forego a lightsaber pen. But I’ll be satisfied with one!


  4. Somniorum says:

    OH MY GOD.

    OH MY GOD.


  5. Christopher says:

    Hahah oh GOD

  6. Izicata says:

    Rutskarn you son of a bitch. I wasn’t expecting #1, even though that was the only thing it could possibly be. Now I have to go rewatch the KotOR season.

  7. Erik says:

    The fact that I could read the alien quotes and instantly place which race would say them makes me ashamed of how much time I’ve sunk into KotOR 1 and 2.

  8. Daemian Lucifer says:

    I dont believe any of those lines.

  9. Daemian Lucifer says:

    While this is a great read,Rutskarn,you should definitely do an audio version as well.

  10. General Karthos says:

    God, I hate April Fool’s Day. Especially when, owing to my time zone, it’s not April 1st yet.

  11. Ivan says:

    Excellent April Fools joke. I’d emphasise the joke there, if I knew how, but suffice to say I’ve read too many lies masquerading as jokes today so far, so thank you. :)

  12. Coming_Second says:

    So when are you going to restart your XCom 2 campaign, Kiev?

  13. Daimbert says:

    This one was just mean, because the only thing that’s there to fool people in it is that they’d actually make a KotOR 3. The rest is just pretty much the sort of jokes that would be made about such an announcement when we had no idea what the game was going to be about. Thanks for giving me a brief moment of hope before that was dashed [grin]!

    • Daemian Lucifer says:

      You know well that they wont make kotor 3 before valve releases hl3.

    • Thomas says:

      I’ve played The Old Republic, KOTOR3 is dead.

      My only hope is that Biowares secret project is a Star Wars game in a different era

      • Daimbert says:

        Other than TOR being a huge resource sucking machine, their latest moves with that hint at them trying to return to a more story-based and even single-playerish RPG experience. If enough people complained about the Fallen Empire being ruined by forcing it into the MMO mechanics — which I did, at least — then Bioware might decide that there’s a market out there for people who want the Mass Effect/Dragon Age type of experience with their Star Wars license.

        Then again, I might be the only one who liked TOR but thought that the Fallen Empire stuff was bad because it was shoehorned into the MMO experience …

        • Yeah, and forced to fit with the previous storylines, which bring a number of non sense to the plot. How can Valkorion be the Emperor that just got awakened a few months ago if he was possessing that body since decades ago? It also sins with the custcenes negating your victory in combat to make the end the author wanted. Also main character become stupid in cutscene if in the throne room you refuse Valokorion’s power, instead of fighting him alongside Arcann (s)he just stands like an idiot until Arcann is beaten and then is Valkorion’s turn to be stupid and lets himself killed. Though as things go one can make the case that his plan was to get killed anyway, though the custcene if you accept says otherwise even if he still ends up dead. And that certainty that it doesn’t matter what you choose, things will go exactly the same regardless because of the constraints that being an MMO with so many different characters that may be going through it. I’ve only played it with my main character so I haven’t had the chance to see differences past first chapter.
          Also, that the uprisings happen in co-op type of missions to replay as much as you want just makes me miss dearly what it could’ve been like if it was a proper single player game and they had been developed. Why not make something like this but in single player RPG game? If you want you could make a multiplayer online match like with FPSes to play some parts with your friends like NWN 1 & 2 and even Baldur’s Gate had, and then do these as expansions?. Here is your good game with its great story that ends here. But now that some time has passed, we’ve added this expansion to continue your character’s story? That was Baldur’s Gate. I WANT BALDUR’S GATE BACK! (I don’t mean literally bring me the enhanced editions, which I have).
          Also, in my Jedi Sage play through, which is the one I’ve completed, that need to conform to MMO and that you can play these expansions as any class and they don’t know and there’s a limit to how many different dialogues they can apply for every companion, means the reunion with the lost companions lack punch. I’ve only recovered the Trandoshan, with whom my char had reached level 10 relationship (which means if he was humanish they’d be lovers) that allows to forego the recruitment quest, it was conversation like they had never met, with just a couple conversation choices that would take it through “okay, we’ve met before and you know who I am, yes, yes I do, look how little I care” but it still felt like it was all too bureaucratic. Almost worse than when Ned meets Phil in Groundhog Day the first time. Though, to be fair, I guess replaying the same kind of emotionless Trandoshan speech would kill anything the subtitle said. I guess I’ll wait until my Juggernaut gets to the point where she’ll meet Vette again. Then maybe there will be a more authentic feel to the reunion. I hope there will be a few more lines there more than “Sith: Vette, we meet again. Vette: We do, let’s get going, Gault“.

          • Daimbert says:

            Yeah, that was one thing that I noticed as well. What was good about TOR from a story perspective was that you had individualized stories per class, with their own characters and subplots. But the structure of Knights of the Fallen Empire worked against that, as they pretty much collapsed all of the classes into one story and took away all of your companions to reintroduce standard ones. This, however, had the effect, as you note, of making it so that all of the references to the previous class stories were mostly perfunctory; nice little bits of nostalgia, but nothing more. But in my opinion you don’t spend enough time or effort with the new companions to really have them take the place of those companions. So the personalization of the story and the personalized feelings you’d have towards your companions are gone, and that means that Knights of the Fallen Empire isn’t giving you what people liked about the class stories (which did fit reasonably well into the MMO structure). So, then, they’d really need to make it a good RPG story — which is what they’re aiming for — to make it work out. And they didn’t. Because they can’t do that in the MMO framework.

            Which is why I’d like a KotOR 3 type of game. Then again, what I’ve heard about Andromeda and what I experienced with Dragon Age Inquisition does not fill me with confidence.

        • Thomas says:

          The real problem with that is, TOR has _so_ much extra lore, the time period is pretty much dead now for people who didn’t play the MMO. It’d be really hard to pick a story that would feel easy to understand for a new player without rewriting TOR canon. And tbh, a lot of that canon isn’t great, even if I did mostly enjoy the story in TOR. The Old Republic era was meant to be a way of telling a Star Wars story from a blank slate, and now it can’t do that.

          That’s why, my best hope for an EA Star Wars game is now one in a different setting.

          • ehlijen says:

            Then rewrite the canon. Star Wars has never been strong in that regard at the best of times.

            • Thomas says:

              Pissing off everyone who played TOR. That’s even worse

              • ehlijen says:

                The prequels ignored tons of EU material. They weren’t very good.
                The Force Awakens ignored tons of EU material. It was pretty good.

                Whether or not you ignore established canon doesn’t seem, to me, be that important towards the reception of the work. What matters more is quality of the actual product.

                Make a good Star wars game, call it KOTOR 3, people will enjoy it.

          • Daimbert says:

            I don’t know. I don’t think it would be that hard for them to start after the TOR area, deliberately include the things people liked, and retcon/ignore the things people DIDN’T like. The bigger problem I can see is that TOR is likely to want to mine the same time period and again seems to be this huge resource hog that gets priority for everything, and that can’t actually pull off the semi-single player experience that those who really want KotOR 3 are waiting/hoping for.

      • Syal says:

        “Knights of The Old Andromeda”.

  14. djw says:

    Have not read the entire article yet, and have not read the comments, just posting here to assert ahead of time that I’m sure this is an April Fools joke. Hope I find out differently.

    EDIT: I no longer hope to find out differently.

    EDIT 2: enjoyed the satire built in to the April Fools joke.

  15. Ander says:

    Someone had to start with a Gamecube…

    • Phantos says:

      “My first video game console was the Playstation 4. Here’s my list of the 10 Worst PC Games…”

        • Phantos says:

          I mean, it’s the difference between: “My first console was this more recent thing, but I’ve still played older stuff and am familiar with their history. I was not alive when they first came out, but I’ve done my research.”


          “I only ever once heard a vague description of a video game over the phone. I have to fart out a clickbaitey article for my website because I made poor life decisions. Here’s my list of things for a console I’ve never even seen, because I totally have the life experience and authority to speak on what Segtendo did, likecommentsubscribe”

  16. Viktor says:

    Oddly, this is the only thing I’ve seen today that’s at all an April Fools joke. I think most of the net realized that the majority of them weren’t funny. This one had good actual jokes though, so it works.

    • Leocruta says:

      For some reason, most April fools jokes tend to be along the lines of “Getting your hopes up by offering something you really want, then dashing them when you remember the date”. Obviously there will be many people who do not find this funny. They’d work better if instead they promised you something you’d hate.

      My favourite April fools joke was by the developers of tribes ascend, who declared they’d finally fixed the “skiing bug” after 3 games, and were now working on adding a prone key to the game.

  17. noahpocalypse says:

    i’m weeping

  18. Genericide says:

    This is the best type of April Fool’s day post. Too ridiculous to be believable, instead just an excuse to make a fun parody. Really the best thing I can say about this is chee ku hidow hidonga…wanakonpe, chipanah mooleyrah.

    Rutskarn, you are a delight.

  19. Phantos says:

    I knew the jig was up the moment I didn’t see a row of ads for fingernails and centipedes that send you to “thisismalwareyouidiots.com.gov.fart”, after every sentence.

    Also, links/thumbnails to unrelated articles, such as “5 Outrageous Things You Didn’t Know About Batman!!!”. And one of the facts is: “Batman was originally in a comic book”.

    • Shoeboxjeddy says:

      5 Batman facts you didn’t know:

      #1: The Joker killed Batman’s parents before he was the Joker!

      #2: Oh, it says on the wiki here that that was only in the one movie. Well how about that huh?!

      #3: Batman and Batgirl fell in love!

      #4: No… wait… just in one movie again. This wiki needs to be written more clearly.

      #5: Batman has shot people with a gun before! No really, I saw it in a web video about Batman facts.

  20. Jarenth says:

    Siri, insert ‘cool_kid_looking_into_camera_and_giving_thumbs_up.gif’

  21. Mr Compassionate says:

    As advertised I literally didn’t believe them.

  22. Victor says:


    Also accurate….

    Also depressing. Thanks I guess?

  23. TMC_Sherpa says:

    Is it me or did April 1st come back from the dead this year? I know it’s been kept alive in some corners of the internet but I don’t remember the places I visit doing it in years.

  24. Leocruta says:

    Streamlined character system lets you choose a new perk or force power every level. All the stats are tallied behind the scenes, so focus on the big picture”“no number-crunching required.

    This one is far too accurate, Rutskarn. You just copied this from some fallout 4 article didn’t you?

  25. Wide And Nerdy ♤ says:

    Villains will be building planet-stomping superweapon, “more powerful than anything you've seen before in the books, comics, or movies.” Yowch!

    The villain, Lord Disney, will unleash a weapon so powerful, it could destroy the entire extended universe.

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