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Messages from Spammers Pt 5

By Shamus
on Sunday Apr 16, 2017
Filed under:


The spam bots never rest. They’re not always funny, but sometimes this army of automated chimpanzees manages to bang out something giggle-worthy on their internet typewriters. Let’s see what they came up with this week…

eyewear online
I must show my love for your kindness supporting persons who actually need help on this
field. Your very own commitment to getting the
solution all-around had been exceptionally advantageous and have specifically empowered workers just like me to arrive at their objectives.
This interesting suggestions indicates this much a person like me and a whole
lot more to my fellow workers. Thanks a ton; from everyone of

I think maybe you still need more help with regards to eyewear, because this post had nothing to do with anything you’re talking about.

Our Massage Therapy Training Program completely sets you up to have a remunerating vocation as
an expert back rub advisor. Our Advanced Neuromuscular Therapy
Program takes your vocation to the following level by concentrating on Neuromuscular Massage Therapy and is offered for the
individuals who have earlier preparing in back rub treatment or for alumni of
our Massage Therapy Training Program. On the off chance that you
have any inquiries regarding our back rub school preparing

Hello? You cut off at the end there. What am I supposed to do if I have inquiries? Webpage? Hello? WEBPAAAAAAAGE!

fitness workouts exercises:
Aw, this was an extremely nice post. Taking the time and actual effort to produce a very
good article… but what can I say… I put things off a lot and don't manage to get nearly anything done.

Being a procrastinator who never gets anything done is the hallmark of a great fitness adviser.

Marine Supplier UK
Standardized Gas
The calibration of emissions monitoring equipment,
gas detection systems or common research analysers requires precise, reliable calibration gases coming from a responsive
and knowledgeable dealer. Our goal is to go beyond these requirements and provide a
new benchmark service to the enthymematic sector.

[Here I redacted literally three paragraphs worth of stuff about fuel pumps. – Shamus]

It starts with the package options; typical rented refillable cylinder options available in a
wide range of sizes, in the compact 2 and 7 litre models which are perfect
for on-site work to the big 50 litre cylinders that offer
ample gas capacity for automatic calibration protocols.
In addition to this, tuned gases are available in our most
affordable nonrefillable (disposable) cylinder choices, providing
smaller quantities connected with gas without the ongoing expense of rental arrangements for bare research demands or functionality checking of portable fuel detectors.
Our application specialists will be delighted to help you select the right option for your demands.

Okay, I get that the goal of a spammer is to raise the page rank of their client. But is this really something that benefits from that sort of search engine shenanigans?

“Jenkins! We need some high-tech emissions monitoring equipment and a team of technicians to run it! Get on your computer and find someone! I’ll give the contract to whatever business is highest in the Google rankings, regardless of price, quality, or where they’re physically located on the planet!”

-Flexibility… Wedge heels can provide the superlative of both worlds and can b Nike Air Max 2013 Men Shoes Nike Outlet Store Online KGW!K7L reak all the eg light?And xtra height?Settlement of a typical heel. They are stately with standard span skirts and minis and are stately on behalf of wearing to the bureau. Summit heeled boots can too be located very fle

“Blog”? Really? You could put literally ANY WORDS OR SYMBOLS FROM ANY LANGUAGE into the name field, and you chose to call yourself “blog”? Just shameful.

Apex Booty Pop:
I աanteԀ to thank you for tҺiѕ fantastic read!!
I absolutely loved every bit of Ñ–t. I have
you bookmarked to loß‹k at new stuff yyou post…

See, now THIS is what I’m talking about! Apex Booty Pop! Now there’s a name that says, “I’m a hack with no skills who has nothing of value to offer the world, but at least I know how to have a good time when choosing a name.”

Now that I’m thinking about it, maybe I should rename this site “Apex Booty Pop”.

Or myself!

Or both!

maigrir du ventre
I got this web site from my friend who told me about this site and at
the moment this time I am browsing this web page and reading very informative content
at this place.

I’m not sure what prompted you to craft such an autobiographical spam or how it helps your ongoing efforts to pollute the web. I can’t wait to read the next installment. “I am currently filling out the name field. Now I’m filling out the comment field. Now I’m hitting the Post Button. Now I’m going to the next page and reading something new.”

meilleurs ventilateurs de plafond
It's truly very complicated in this busy life to listen news on Television, thus I only use
web for that reason, and take the newest news.

Buddy, if you think watching television is too intellectually challenging then you are not ready for the internet.

Well, that’s it. Thanks for playing, idiots.

Comments (50)

  1. tmtvl says:

    Apex Booty Pop

    ? Apex? Like the ape people in Starbound?

    …I guess some people really like Planet of the Apes.

  2. Moridin says:

    Okay, I get that the goal of a spammer is to raise the page rank of their client. But is this really something that benefits from that sort of search engine shenanigans?

    Is there anything that DOESN’T benefit from having good page rank these days? It may not make a whole lot of sense to aim for the #1 spot, but if a search for certain keywords doesn’t find your website in the first few pages of google, that certainly doesn’t look very good for the company.

    • Oliver Edleston says:

      First few pages is very optimistic too. Generally commercial entities will be looking to be on the first page and can even consider anything below the immediately visible top of page results as failure. People desire fast information delivery and engage a lot more with the more readily available results.

      It’s for this reason that search engines put the paid search results above the free ones and companies are still happy to buy in.

  3. lethal_guitar says:

    Wow. These just keep getting better and better

  4. Henson says:

    Why did Apex Booty Pop use Cyrillic letters to spell “Õ¡anteÔ€”? Does excessive dance music cause multiple personality disorder?

  5. Thomas says:

    I’m sad that a UK company selling fuel pumps might be using spam bots to increase their pagerank

  6. Orillion says:

    I… I think you just deleted a comment from English Hank Hill. I’m not sure that was a spammer.

  7. Scampi says:

    For curiosity I would be very interested in the specific blog entries where the individual spammers post their digital waste.
    Since they’re so enjoyable to read anyways-would you mind telling us about the exact location of the next load of spammers, Shamus?
    Also: Procrastination doesn’t prevent ME from advising other people on fitness (not being actually qualified professionally, the quality of my advice may vary…)-actually, sport is one of my chosen methods of procrastinating other tasks;)

  8. Da Mage says:

    Buddy, if you think watching television is too intellectually challenging then you are not ready for the internet.

    Also, if he’s coming to Twenty-sided to read up on the latest and breaking news I think he’ll be sorely disappointing.

  9. Droid says:

    Hmmm, the first ones had some that made me chuckle, but this series of posts starts to read like a round of Cards Against Humanity that has gone on for too long and there’s still enough cards left to cobble together something that looks like it should be funny. But only to the one who played that card. And only because all the good ones are already gone.

    Well, maybe I’m just tired and exaggerating. I’ll be sure to come back for your other stuff, though.

  10. Dan Efran says:

    “They are stately with standard span skirts and minis and are stately on behalf of wearing to the bureau.”

    That’s my favorite bit. Rich worldbuilding! Anybody remember the old “Is next…swimwear” ad?

  11. Destrustor says:

    I’m baffled at the sudden french in the spam names. Is it a bot that’s programmed to recognize the page’s language and comment accordingly, but was originally made by french dudes who hard-coded the name or something?
    I’m having a hard time seeing the point of having a spambot drawing in both french and english-speaking people to a page (and a post) they’re almost guaranteed to only partially understand.

    Anyway, for anyone too lazy to google it, the french names of the last two comments translate to:
    “Losing weight from the belly”
    “Best ceiling fans”
    …Neither of which have anything to do with the content of their respective posts. Amazing.

  12. MrGuy says:

    Our Massage Therapy Training Program completely sets you up to have a remunerating vocation as an expert back rub advisor.

    I love that a piece of spam that’s highbrow enough to use the word “remunerating” correctly and appropriately in context would later in the very same sentence slum it with the phrase “expert back rub advisor.”

    Really? Had you exhausted your big word quota before you were able to use something like “certified physiotherapy consultant?”

    • Daemian Lucifer says:

      Wait,you mean that the word is not renumerate?


      Holly shit!The spammer has taught me how to spell a word correctly!

      • Philadelphus says:

        The base form of the verb is “remunerate,” but the spammer’s using the participial form “remunerating” here. I’m impressed.

        Well, except for the rest of the comment.

      • Duoae says:

        I’ve always personally held that the original form was renumerate and that it was misspelled for long enough and by enough people that the incorrect form became common usage… Ideally, we could switch it back… but it might take a lot of ignorance or pig-headedness. (I count myself in the latter category! :) )

        • Philadelphus says:

          “Numerate” as a verb is a different word (meaning “to represent numbers by symbols” or “to ascertain the number of; count”), which according to Dictionary.com comes from the Latin numerātus (past participle of numerāre “to number”). It lists “renumerate” as a possible form, but doesn’t seem to be connected to “remunerate”, which comes from the Latin remÅ«nerātus (past participle of remÅ«nerāri “to repay, reward”). So they seem to be unconnected etymologically.

    • Syal says:

      Well I for one am grateful for their efforts. It’s been a lifelong dream of mine to advise people on whether or not they should get a backrub.

    • Sunshine says:

      You don’t even give back rubs, just supervise them.

  13. Son of Valhalla says:

    About a few months ago I spotted spam from one of your articles, two comments dated from 2012 and 2014. Do you want to know the secret location/article where I found them?

  14. Arctem says:

    I think maigrir du ventre is just playing Spyfall and not sure where he is while trying to make sure you don’t know that: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3xpnZRER9k&t=45s

  15. I am currently filling out the name field says:

    Its funny how the spam filter let all of those spammers post their crap, yet it immediately junked my obvious joke :'(

  16. Sunshine says:

    I find it difficult to believe that Nike Air Max for men comes with a wedge heel.

  17. methermeneus says:

    What I wanna know is why “better ceiling vents” is taking about TV news. Is there some sort of advertising or business connection of which I’m not aware? Are the TV news channels part of the ventilation conspiracy? (T)in(foil hat-wearing)quiring minds want to know.

  18. Dev Null says:

    Recently had a conversation with one of the security guys where I work that was pretty enlightening. I think I’d started the conversation with the usual “Hur hur; stupid phishers can’t even spell” kind of comment, followed by wondering aloud how many phishes that _were_ spelled correctly I might have already fallen for. His answer: probably not many, and not for the reason you think.

    You see, the phishers – and the spammers, to a maybe slightly lesser degree – aren’t trying to harvest millions of email addresses. That would be inefficient, since many of those addresses would belong to people smart enough to not fall for their scams. Some of those will even be smart enough (or at least bored enough) to scam back, or set up tarpits, or even to collect evidence and report it back to someone who cares. Far better, really, to harvest mere thousands of addresses, pre-sorted to all be from idiots (or, if we want to be charitable, ignorant people.) So the bad spelling isn’t laziness, or lack of skill, it’s actually very, very sneaky.

    • Sunshine says:

      There is an academic paper about it, I think, though it was more about “Nigerian prince needs you to move some money” scams. The obvious poor spelling was , as you said, a filter for people who weren’t going to fall for it.

      It’s easy to send out several thousand emails, but advancing the scam beyond that does mean spending money to set it up. To avoid wasting money on operations that don’t pan out, you need a mark who will reply to the offer, without rejecting as a scam, without asking a savvy friend about it, without looking up details of this kind of deal, without Googling your details, or even seeing the search autocomplete with “is a scam”.

      So that’s a pretty specific sucker, the kind that would think “Yes, this is the way to millions,” or “Of course my bank/Microsoft/the Canadian Justice Commission doesn’t proofread their emails.”

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