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Those Minerals

By Shamus
on Saturday Feb 20, 2010
Filed under:


Link (YouTube)

Funny song. The video is a disappointment, though. Even just random game footage would be better than looping the same 2 seconds of footage over and over.


Peep it, I’ll break it down so you can absorb it (okay)
you need to mine planets’ minerals and do it from orbit (yo)
some good advice, and you’re too much of a noob to ignore it (ay)
you’ll get stranded with no fuel if you foolishly floor it
I used to rock microphones rhyming in a stadium (okay)
these days I launch probes mining for palladium (no doubt)
slouching at my console crying from the tedium
I contemplate relations with the slimiest of aliens
a spectre and alliance N7 special ops (word)
some things I scan are anomalous but the rest are rocks
this **** is so boring most men’s souls would wither (okay)
yo but I ain’t tryna get my Tali’Zorah blown to smithers (aha)
no doubt, I get it in with the iridium
rhythmically clicking launch probe, tunnel vision
and I’m mining for resources with the lowliest of purposes
as I drag the scanner reticle slowly on the surface

Probe away, foes know that probing may
make me cranky, like Harkin on a sober day (okay!)
Tali’s research? ayo ****, a solar ray (yo)
I’ll take a cain to mother****ers, go straight Enola Gay (aye)
you can scan procedurally or just stop and meander (okay!)
but if it’s taking ages doggie stop with the scanner (no doubt)
you need to get a ****in’ upgrade, talk to Miranda
she’ll probably get up from her desk so you can stop for a gander
she’s a skeezy ho, told the Illusive Man, he don’t believe me though
I oughta find his office, leave the geezer leaking hemoglobes (word)
although I know the brother brought me back from the dead
I feel compelled to put one in the back of his head
anyway **** the prime directive, only amateurs enforce this (aha)
I’m strip-mining planetoids, scanning for resources
racking **** from the moons, planets, and the ports
and now the Normandy is upgraded and damaging your forces

Comments (31)

  1. …there’s nothing there. Literally. Just a white square with a link to YouTube beneath, even after disabling NoScript. And following the link takes me to some kind of index.

  2. Vipermagi says:

    The Youtube link is ‘suffixed’ with “center”. An error in your tags? :)

  3. kikito says:

    Also, some words are missing on the lyrics. Instead, there are ****.


  4. Zerai says:

    Maybe the video is a commentary on how repetitive the scanning minigame is?

    Incidentally, I don’t remember you commenting about it in the mass effect review, maybe you could suggest a redesign of it?

    • Taellosse says:

      Personally I think the upgrade should do something a lot more dramatic than slightly increase the speed of the reticle. Like instead of having to drag that damn thing across every inch of a planet, instead you get a radar-like sweep across the entire surface that briefly shows you spots where there are high concentrations of something, so you can quickly zero in on the right general areas to launch your probes. This will also serve to make it a lot easier to target central points between multiple resource nodes to save on probes.

  5. KremlinLaptop says:

    There needs to be a sub-genre of hip-hop/rap based around sci-fi and fantasy themes. Sort of the progressive rock of rap, if you will.

    On the note of posting Mass Effect videos: Shamus where in the world is Spoiler Warning? You hear this? This is me complaining about all the free stuff I’m getting because it’s not getting here as fast as I like, that’s the sort of thing people on the internet do you see.

  6. I get my scan on like a tampon…


    That doesn’t even make sense!


  7. Gahazakul says:

    Hey its the Something Awful “Get Out” frog! I see he has made it into space, we are all doomed.

    If you are interested in the frog his saclopedia entry is here.

  8. WILL says:

    I really don’t see what’s so special about it.

  9. Galenor says:

    I don’t really mind the vid so much, because I always tab out and do other stuff, and let the song play out.

    Otherwise, excellent stuff. :D

  10. Taellosse says:

    I love how Bioware responded to complaints about the Mako being boring. “Oh yeah? You think driving around on miles of improbably jagged terrain is boring? We’ll show you boring! Try scanning for resources from orbit! And guess what? Now, if you don’t do it, you’ll kill everyone in your party because you need this stuff for all the upgrades in the game. HAH!”

    Fortunately, there are VASTLY more resources available than you actually need. If one can deign to use a guide from the internet, I’m pretty sure you can get all the resources you’ll ever need just by scanning the dozen or so worlds with N7 missions on them (at least, if you import a high level character from the first game, anyway). I spent way too much time early on scanning and had a massive surplus for the rest of the game.

    • Galad says:

      They didn’t really respond that way, did they? That’s just how the ME community narrates the transition from the Mako to the planet scanning, right?

      • Taellosse says:

        If you’re asking whether anyone at Bioware actually said that, then no, not to my knowledge. But it sure feels like it when you’re scanning the 4th planet of the 4th system of a cluster and all you’re finding is more of the palladium you’ve got way too much of already, and you’re so bored that you’re fighting to keep your eyes open.

    • Jeff says:

      The Mass Effect wiki is very useful in reducing time wasted. To get all upgrades, you need:

      31k Element Zero (+5k for a bonus power if you don’t start with one, and +2.5k for each retraining)
      215k Iridium
      225k Platinum (+50k if you want the med-bay upgrade)
      195k Palladium
      1.2 Million Credits

  11. Irridium says:

    “I get it in with the iridium”

    Well I never!

    Good song though. Just a shame the video is lame :P

  12. Kdansky says:

    Strange, I never hear them say “starstarstarstar”… It’s not like your eyes will fall out of you read the word shit.

  13. Jeff says:

    This (and other songs) I think were originally linked by the people over at the SomethingAwful forums. They’re the same folks who gave us our save repository, savegame editor, audio file extractor, list of ME1 variables, and so on. The original concept/medium is purely audio, which is probably why the video is lacking.

  14. Vladius says:

    Oh look it’s the SomethingAwful frog.

  15. HeadHunter says:

    Great rap – hilarious and spot-on. But the video is even more tedious than scanning for minerals!

    Honestly, once you learn the tricks, scanning is pretty quick. Sure the upgrade helps some, but people who hold down scan and just move the reticle are wasting time. Rotate the planet at the same time and only tap scan each time it’s on a new spot. Go along the parallels, not the meridians and you can scan a whole world in a fraction of the time.

  16. John says:

    Found the scanning to be fine, just do it on a “need for upgrade basis” and its not tedious. Found its a bit fun even to break up everything else. Also as mentioned starting a 2nd time around, you get a great start bonus. I’m 10 hours in and haven’t scanned a planet once since I started with 50k of everything.

    Anyway, funny song, bad video. I just turned it on and read the comments and lyrics while listening. :P

  17. Neil Polenske says:

    It’s bizarre seeing Snatch dialog used in this context. Definitely did me a double take the first time I heard it.

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